The Crucible Abridged
by Miss Lucifer
Summary: Arthur Miller's epic play...in 10 minutes. John Proctor would be turning in his grave if he ever saw this. This was written under the influence of excessive Monty Python, you have been warned. Please R&R, it's my first ff.net fic :)
1. Act I

**Disclaimer: "The Crucible" is a rather brilliant play by Arthur Miller contrasting the witch trials of Salem with McCarthyism in the 50's. I happen to love this play so I hope no one is offended with mine and my friend's translation of it ^_^. We performed this in front of our class, so try to imagine it being acted out, it's funnier that way.**

**ACT 1 (an overture)**

**_Scene opens with Reverend Parris praying over Betty, his daughter. A word about Parris. He was mean and liked money more than God. The people of Salem were uptight and blamed everything on the Devil._**

**Parris:** Dear God, make poor Betty get better, and I ought to deserve a raise for this, not asking anything yet, just keep it in mind. Amen.

**_Tituba gets halfway in the door and is shooed out by Parris._**

**Parris:** Bugger off, I'm having a Christian moment.

**_Abigail comes in_**

**Parris:** Well niece. What have you got to say for yourself? I saw you with your pack of girls in the forest late at night. Dancing, at that. And I'm sure that I saw your dress on the ground. What would you be doing in a forest late at night with a group of girls dancing naked? And now Betty appears witched. That can't be a coincident.

**Abigail:** It was only dancing. No nakedness at all. No sirree, no one was naked and no one drank any blood. We're good girls, it's just the black woman wanted us to see some "culture"

**Parris:** You can't fool me. There are only two things a group of dancing, naked girls would be doing late at night in the forest, and both are a hanging crime.

**Abigail:** … I'M PURE I'M PURE!

**Parris:** I won't have people accuse me of harbouring a witch. Enough people do not like you, they would love to call you a witch, amongst other things.

**Abigail:** Well, I don't know what you mean; I'm pure as they come.

**Parris:** I heard the rumours - Did you or did you not bonk John Proctor on the barn floor!

**Abigail:** I'M PURE DAMN YOU!! PURE AND WHITE AND SHINEY. EVERYONE LOVES ME!

**_Mr Putnam and Goody Putnam enter. They are both twits who blame their misfortune on anything that will stand still long enough._**

**Goody Putnam:** It's the devil, I tell you.

**Putnam:** Our Ruth's sick too! And the missus has had seven still born _[everyone is in shock]_. It's the devil's work.

**Parris:** Don't blame me, just because they live in my house. I'm a reverend for Christ's sake. I'm as damned holy as they come.

**Abigail:** It was just dancing I swear. It wasn't even provocative dancing. Just plain old hitch up our metaphorical skirts and frolic in the moon light kinda dance. We didn't conjure spirits. I'm pure.

**Putnam:** I'm bored. Let's leave Abigail here so she can bewitch Betty out of it.

**Abigail:** I'm NOT A WITCH! _[everyone leaves]_ BETTY WAKE UP! STOP PLAYING! YOU'RE GETTING US INTO TROUBLE! SO I DRANK BLOOD TO KILL GOODY PROCTOR! IS THAT A CRIME?! WAKE UP! …Oh Look! Hey Betty wake up oh look! Here's Mr dark-and-brooding-Proctor…Go back to sleep now.

**_Proctor enters. A word about John Proctor. He has a lot of respect in the village, but doesn't like himself after bonking Abigail Williams on the barn floor when she was his servant._**

**Proctor:** I heard you were witching all these girls. You're so naughty.

**Abigail: **Oh John. We were just playing around. You know, a group of girls dancing naked in the forest under the moonlight. Do you like that John? Oh John. You are so strong and manly. Let's make love!

**Proctor:** Mmmmm, Abby, you tiger *roar…but, no, I will not make love to you.

**Abigail:** What about meaningless sex? Two dollar. Sucky, sucky?

**Proctor:** …Well…umm…no. No, it is over. I may lust after you at night, remembering our…*gulps…No, no more.

**Abigail:** You are making me very upset. If it wasn't for your wife…

**Proctor:** _[sadly]_ Yes, yes I know…_[angry] _NO leave Elizabeth out of this.

**Abigail:** She's a miserable wench, she's nothing to my stunning beauty.

**Proctor:** Yes, but…she is my wife. Hang on, were you saying that it were just dancin' - you weren't witching anybody?

**Abigail:** I have more precise ways of affecting people, as you have experienced, John.

**_Parris, the Putnams, Tituba, Giles and Rebecca enter. A word about Giles and Rebecca. Giles was a funny, old codger although somewhat brave. But still a bit of a git. Rebecca Nurse was an old Christian lady who liked to stay in the background, setting the moral standard for everyone in the room whether they wanted her to or not._**

**Parris:** What's going on here eh?

**Abigail:** Nuthin uncle.

**Proctor:** I don't like you Parris - you piss me off. So does the church but I'm still a Christian.

**Giles:** Boo hiss! You're all evil!

**Rebecca:** I am very good. I will not judge anyone because I am above it. I will float into the background as your moral reminder…

**Goody Putnam:** I bet she killed my babies. It couldn't have been natural. No one is that good.

**Parris:** Oh look! Here's Hale, he's come to save me, I mean…us, err…Betty…

**_Eager eyed Mr Hale likes to think that he has all the knowledge to fix people of their afflictions with the devil. Little does he know that the people of Salem are a bit nutty and will believe anything that Abigail says because she herself has a lot of weighty knowledge – knowledge that could lead to black mail…*insert tension building music here*_**

**Hale:** G'day everyone! Look at my books! You can tell I am smart because I carry around books. Now let's examine poor Betty here…

**Abigail:** Tituba called the devil!

**Hale:** Well that was easy.

**Proctor:** You're all full of crap. I'm leaving.

**_Proctor leaves._**

**Tituba:** I would never. I love God. I'm a good Christian woman…_[Parris hits her over the head]_…well actually, now that I think of it, I may have seen the devil. Yes, yes I definitely saw the devil. He made me do baaad things. He tells me to kill the Reverend, yeah seriously.

**Hale:** Oh praise the lord! Did you see anyone else with the devil?

**Tituba:** Erm…no I don't think so _[Parris hits her over the head] _hang on, hang on it's coming back now. Goody Good was with devil.

**Abigail:** …And every other female in Salem, _[quietly]_ who thinks she can bonk John Proctor behind my back.

**Parris:** What did you say dear?

**Abigail:** Yes, yes I want God's love. Love me Jesus, I want you to love me. I want your sweet, sweet manly love! I go back to you Jesus. Let my kiss your…hand. Oh I am such a bad girl. I let Satan have his way with me. But I go back to Jesus. I want your light inside of me!

**Hale:** Riiiiight. Can you give us names

**Abigail:** _[pulls out list behind her back] _Hmmm, let me see. Sarah Good, Goody Osburn, hmm…Bridget Bishop, George Jacobs, Goody Howe, Martha Bellows, Goody Sibber, Alice Barrow, Goody Hawkins, Goody Bibber…aaand Goody Booth. There could be more, this list grows everyday.

**Hale:** Well, you could be a witch. Why should we trust you? You could be lying

**Abigail:** But I'm beautiful and pure.

**Hale:** Oh well, fair enough then.

_**THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY HANGS**_


	2. Act II

**Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Arthur Miller wrote "The Crucible". Don't sue me - I own nothing. I do have a cardboard cut out of Frodo that I'm pretty proud of, but no one's getting that... **

**ACT 2**

**Proctor:** Hello Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Hello John.

**Proctor:** STOP JUDGING ME! Not since I had sex with Abigail seven months ago have I had no sex with her since…mmm I felt like a wild stallion, neigh neigh neigh …oh sorry. I succumbed to lust. I'm a man, I need sex. Lots of it.

**Elizabeth:** I cannot trust you, John. You went behind my back, John. You dirtied yourself with that whore, John. Therefore, John, I cannot trust you. John.

**Proctor:** So, no sex tonight then? Oh look, there's Mary Warren.

**Mary:** I made you a poppet, Goody Proctor. I am extremely important because I get to go to the court. I'm a big girl now.

**Proctor:** No, you're not allowed. I FORBID IT!

**Mary:** I'm a voice of God, y'know. You shouldn't be yelling at the voice of God. Anyway, lots of exciting things are happening. 37 people have been accused. Goody Osburn was. She won't confess so she's gonna hang. Then there's Goody Good, 

but sadly, she won't hang. 

**Proctor:** …erm…why's that then?

**Mary:** She confessed! And also she's pregnant. And she's nearly 60. Who would be that desperate? _[Proctor looks nervous]_ But if it wasn't for me Elizabeth might be arrested _[everyone looks shocked]_. Whoops.

**Proctor:** It was Abby wasn't it? Manipulative bitch. Go away Mary, you annoy me.

**_Mary leaves._**

**Elizabeth:** You are swearing an awful lot, John.

**Proctor:** I'm a farmer – I'm allowed. Look here's Hale! You can't take my wife!

**Hale:** Nah I just want to get to know her.

**Proctor:** I didn't know you were that kind of priest.

**Hale:** What? Anyway… a sure way to test whether ones love's God or not is reciting the commandments, because we all no reciting lines are very important in being a Christian. I read it, it must be true. So, go on then.

**Proctor:** Don't steal, don't like other gods, don't say my name, take Saturdays off, blah, blah, blah…

**Elizabeth:** what about adultery? John.

**Proctor:** Oh pish. What kind of commandment is that? I bet most of the people in the bible were begat from adultery. What about poor Joseph. I know how he feels. His bloody wife wouldn't put out …

**Hale:** Tisk Tisk

**Proctor:** Well, Abigail told me that it wasn't witchcraft!

**Hale:** That's nice! Oh look, here's Cheever!

**Cheever:** Is there any poppets here? Oh look, there's one!

**Hale:** Yes it is, isn't it?

**Cheever:** No! It's no plain poppet, it's a voodoo! Just tonight, Abigail had a needle mysteriously stuck into her stomach. And if we lift up her dress…  


**Everyone:** She's got no knickers on!

**Proctor:** Yes, Abby likes to go commando.

**Cheever:** … But look! _[aghast]_ Goody Proctor! Satan's bitch! This poppet is evidence. Arghh, she is looking at me with her stony eyes! No, spare me, witch, spare me!

**Proctor:** Mary Warren! You will go to court with me tomorrow and tell the truth.

**Mary:** Oh! Abby won't like that!

**Proctor:** I don't care what Abby likes….although I used to care, and I gave it to her willingly….but ANYWAY, you're coming with me.

_**THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY FALLS**_


	3. Act III

**Disclaimer: "The Crucible" is Arthur Miller's. This version…well I don't think he would want ownership over this so don't bother suing.**

**ACT 3**

**Proctor**: The girls are lying.

**Danforth:** God is speaking through them - isn't that quite obvious.

**Proctor:** But Mary Warren says they're lying!

**Hathorne:** Your wife is pregnant.

**Hale:** My God man, can't you keep your pants on at all!

**Proctor:** But she's my wife, I'm allowed to do it with her. Or is there something in the Bible condemning that as well?

**Hathorne:** She's up the duff! She has a bun in the oven. She has a foetus growing in her uterus. Well, so she says. But if she is we couldn't possibly kill an innocent so we cannot hang her till she has the baby, then we will rip it from her breasts and hang her as high as the day is young. Whatever the case sonny, we're still gonna kill you if you say the wrong thing and don't do what we want you to.

**Proctor:** Abby is lying, she isn't pure, no god would use her mouth…oh yeah, believe me I know….whoa man, she made me feel like a stallion, neigh, neigh, NEIGH!

**Danforth:** Does your wife know of your whorish behaviour? _[Proctor nods]_ Well, send her in. If she's honest she'll fess up. Bring her in _[Liz is brought in]_. Is your husband a man whore?

**Elizabeth:** Errr… no.

**Proctor:** Oh duck it.

**Elizabeth:** Yes, no, maybe… I don't know. Me no speak English.

**_Elizabeth is led out of the room._**

**Proctor:** She didn't want me to look bad!

**Hale:** I think so, too. Oh, and I think Abigail's a bitch as well.

**Abigail:** Oh, NO! THE BIRD, THE BIRD…

**Girls:** It's coming for us! We're all going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……….

**Abigail:** It's after my soul!

**Mary:** Abby, STOP!

**Girls:** Abby, STOP!

**Mary:** I…uh… JOHN PROCTOR IS THE ANTICHRIST!

**Proctor:** All right, I did it, see? And I'm glad, GLAD, see?

**Parris:** Did you hear that?!

**Proctor:** You're all stupid morons, you're dull and stupid and moronic. Die the lot of you.

**Hale:** … oh no…

**THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY FALLS**


	4. Act IV

**Disclaimer: If you haven't read "The Crucible" I suggest you do. It's brilliant. Arthur Miller owns it, not me or my friends. A big thanks to my dear friends Greshnaw and Nicorette for adding the html tags to all of the chapters *MWAH. This is the last act so thank you all for reading. ^_^**

**ACT 4**

**Herrick:** C'mon girls...whoa _[trips over rags]_

**Sarah Good:** It's the devil, it's the devil! I love the devil. He's my friend. His Majesty loves me. We have a platonic relationship - not just physical.

**Herrick: **No it's just your local drunken hick...you both seem a bit hysterical.

**Tituba:** We're waiting for the devil. He's actually really nice when you get to know him. He's just misunderstood.

**_A vibrating cow is thrown on stage, mooing evilly_**.

**Sarah Good:** HIS MAJESTY!

**Tituba:** See I told you. He has a very sensitive side, and a really good sense of humour. Lots of girls are after him. He's such a snag.

**Herrick:** ...That's not Satan...that's a cow.

**Sarah Good:** What's this then _[shows him ear tag that says Satan aka Lucifer aka the devil aka his majesty aka old boy]_

**Herrick:** Oh sorry my mistake.

**Sarah Good:** Take me devil. Take me....home...

**Tituba:** Yes, we love you devil!

**Herrick:** The important people are coming, go away.

**_Sarah and Tituba leave with the cow. Danforth enters with Hathorne and Cheever._**

**Danforth:** Are you drunk?

**Herrick:** Yes a little.

**Danforth: **Idiot. Get Parris.

**_Herrick leaves_**

**Hathorne:** Hale's not listening to us anymore.

**Danforth:** Prat.

**Hathorne:** Parris is getting a bit paranoid.

**Danforth: **Really?

**Cheever:** It's the cows, it's always the cows.

**_Parris enters_**

**Parris:** Hi

**Danforth:** What's Hale doing then?

**Parris:** Trying to make people confess.

**Hathorne: **Oh really? _[Disappointed] _I wanted to see some hanging.

**Parris:** Erm…I think Abigail has run away.

**Danforth:**...Crap. That doesn't look too good does it…oh well.

**Parris:** I think people are trying to kill me. I suspect the cows. It's always the cows. Always.

**Danforth:** ...I see.  
**Parris:** I'm starting to feel a bit guilty now, coz people are trying to kill me for being a greedy prat.

**_Hale enters._**

**Hale:** Yes, I'm also feeling a torturous guilt. Our religion has failed us! We have turned our society into a theocratic one! But we cannot look to the past now. We must free those who lie prostrate in their cells, having made no bargain with the devil. Proctor, I feel, is the key to it all. He has a weighty name. But I fear something hinders him! As Nathaniel Hawthorne will say in two hundred years from now, "What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self". It is the magistrate in his heart that will judge him, and no other has the tongue for it. But must it end in blood? Life is a blessed gift. Will Proctor throw this gift away, carelessly unwrapped, yet lustily nibbled.

**Danforth: **Well, that started off well, but God only knows where you ended up. Good one. Let's just lift the standard of the play near the end. Clever move mate.

**Hale:** Sorry, I just was just burning to use some big words. I shall now bring Elizabeth out to see if she can make him Proctor confess.

**_Everyone leaves to let Elizabeth and Proctor to have 'alone' time._**

**Elizabeth: **Hello John.

**Proctor:** I'm scared. I'm going to confess. No I won't, that would be wrong. But I don't want to die. But I should do the right thing. No, no, I want to live. Life is nice.

**Elizabeth: **Okay John.

**Proctor:** What do you think?

**Elizabeth:** I don't. Do what ever you think. John.

**Proctor:** _[whining]_ Ellizzaabeeth. Fine, ignore me. I'LL CONFESS!!

**Danforth:** Oh, how exciting. Sign here and here, thanks, you've done the right thing. Look Goody Nurse, look, now do you see you are being evil and stupid.

**Rebecca:** Oh dear. John, why?

**Danforth: **Now let me show the village.

**Proctor: **No no no you mustn't do that.

**Danforth:** Why on earth not.

**Proctor: **BECAUSE IT IS MY NAME! IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME! IT IS A VERY STRONG SOUNDING NAME! IT SOUNDS RATHER AUTHORATIVE AND PROFESSIONAL AND IT RHYMES WITH DOCTOR! IT WAS MY FATHERS NAME, AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIS, AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIS so it's not really my name…

**Danforth:** Right then. HANG HIM! HANG HIM!

**Hale:** Crap. Are you just gonna stand there?

**Elizabeth:** Hey it's his life…John

**_A torch light shines on her face, drum roll and cymbal crash, then a moo._**

**THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY FALLS**


End file.
